Blurry Sights


I don’t know if this blog still has readers but from the statistics… yes it has. It’s pretty amazing and at some points left me questioning: what are you doing here? This blog is extremely private and only the ones who really care about me will read it. I don’t promote it and… you are here. That being said, I assume that we are quite close emotionally so I want to say “Hi” to you, dear my beloved readers.

How’s everything?

Are you happy today?

Uhm, do you realize that we are welcoming the third week of January 2023? It’s the third week of Jan! And yet… I still have no clue what I will do for the next few months. I was starting this year with heartbreak and lost some sights. It was something I prepared since the first time I developed my feelings toward someone else.  I also planned that 2023 would be the year to focus only on myself. I planned to let go of everything I desire. Even though I plan all these things for a long time, I am still not ready to face it. 

Someone that I mentioned in the previous writings is already a memory. I am no longer able to do something to him. I don’t have any connections with him anymore. All of sudden, I lost my significant other (I know, it was just me and my heart that made him so precious to me). All of the butterflies and the rainbow within 2 years are gone. The story had to be closed with a sad ending. A tragic sad ending. 

Sometimes I ask myself,

“Do you have any regrets about it?” 

No matter how much I ask, the answer coming from conscious and subconscious mind would be the same: No I don’t. I don’t have regrets for everything I have done. It might be my mistake for investing my heart and mind to someone who didn’t need it. But at the same time, it was the purest thing I did to another one. Let us call it a sweet mistake.

Now, I only have myself by my side. Maybe with songs that comfort me when days are not easy to pass. With those comforting songs, I try to regain myself. I try to figure out what I want to do in this life, in this year. I was the one who always had plans in my head and look at me now. I am trying so hard to make it. Planning something becomes harder to do when you don’t have hopes.

I can't even think about my personal hopes. To be more exact, I’m exhausted from wanting something. Something that I hope for is too far. The more I ran towards it, the further away it got. 

Actually, there is something I want in this life for sure: I want to be… a gorgeous one. 

It sounds a bit weird or too cliche but I want to be a gorgeous woman so badly. The problem is… you know my physical appearance right? Ya… that’s it. That’s the problem. I don’t know, is there such a thing called… non photogenic body? I have tried my best to wear something proper and more chic. I tried to copy what people wear. The result? Obviously, I don’t have to explain it right? You already know what I’m gonna say. 

Some people say that there’s nothing wrong with my looks. But… I don’t know… I feel bad looking at my pic. Few days ago, I went to a seminar to be the speaker. Just because I didn’t feel good about my pics, I didn’t even post a single pic. All my pics look weird. 

Uhm… I’m tired of writing the rest. I’m in the midst of my angriness, disappointments, and other negative emotions toward me myself. I don’t mean to ruin your beautiful day. I write these personal feelings and thoughts because I know you have such a good soul to understand. 

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